Over the last 8 years of living with autonomic dysfunction, one of the hardest parts is practicing lifestyle moderation and balance. Initially, when you start experiencing chronic illness and pain, you become limited. Limited in activities, energy, thoughts, because pain and fatigue cast clouds over the mind and body. Many people don’t know what’s going on and find themselves facing new limitations every day as their body breaks down.
For me, I “lost” a year of life – in high school – to pain and fatigue. I missed school, didn’t see friends, and exercise seemed impossible. I feared how much worse everything would get, and lost hope in my ability to return to normalcy in the future. I’ve written before about my journey back to health through the Mayo Clinic and self-experimentation. Today I want to focus on what comes after normalcy.
A healthy person wants a million things. A sick person only wants one. For a long time, I’ve oscillated between those two states of being. I’ll feel healthy and I’ll push myself, in search of achievement in academics, athletics, work, or relationships. If I push myself too far, I swing back to the other side of the spectrum. I’ll feel limited by pain and illness, only wanting to get back to feeling okay. A constant pendulum swing is exhausting and frustrating. Feeling limited makes me want to break through limitations. Breaking through limitations puts me right back into the place of being limited again. The happy medium is one of moderation and balance. Accepting limitations while pushing myself whenever I can.
In high energy states, I’ve learned to push myself. In low energy states, I’ll take it easy. It’s hard to know which is which, and paying too much attention to the body can make me a slave to every new thought and sensation. Ultimately, I’ve found a rhythm. I plan ahead when I know I’ll be extending myself with travels and adventure. I’ll build in habits and periods of rest into these times to ensure I keep some balance. That way, I don’t develop negative associations with these experiences, and I’m able to return to life more normally afterwards.
In low energy states, I play for tomorrow. I ask myself: “what can I do now to make me feel better later today, or tomorrow?” I’d love to be high energy all of the time but I realize that’s not my reality. So I make the best of what I can and hope I wake up feeling better the next day. Usually I do, and my “low energy” time was a success.
For me, the long term goal is to gradually move the needle forward so my “normal” becomes a place of better health and higher activity levels. I believe the body is malleable and resilient, and I slowly push myself with exercise and breath work while always optimizing nutrition, sleep, and stress management.
I don’t think moderation and balance make as much sense to people without chronic illness, but it’s always top of mind for me 🙂